Fundamentals of Parenting, Or How to Stop Fucking Up My Fun and Take Responsibility for Your Crotchfruit.

It's really interesting to note the differences in parenting between when I was a child and children today. Much as it was interesting to note the differences between me and my parents generation.

We've made some strides... let me tell you that we have. Advances in medicine and psychology and technology have allowed our children to be smarter than we ever could be. Don't get me wrong, most of them are still mental dwarfs with problem solving skills so poor that an Otter has passed them on an evolutionary scale after learning to crack hard shelled mollusks on their stomach using a rock.

But that's not the point. The point is that there are a lot of parents out there that are trying to change the rules in society because they believe that by shunting responsibility to someone else via protest and petitions, they can pretend that later in life, the reason that their child is a social pariah or miscreant or otherwise undesirable character is because somewhere, along the way you may have missed something to protest about. After all, nobody's perfect.

It's people like these who are absolutely responsible for this atrocity:

I know what you're thinking... it's a kids toy. 

Sort of.  But what kid has 250 bucks laying around?  Not to mention the time and transportation necessary to obtain one of those Nintendo Wiis that are oh so ubiquitous, and yet, impossible to obtain.

Parents complaints about the original Wii zapper design (stating that it might incite violence) forced a change of design... even then, parents are still upset with this design, saying it's "too gun like" or that they "may as well include an NRA application in the box."

I've got a solution.  If you don't want your child to do something, tell them that they are not allowed to do something.  And when they do it, punish them.  This is not a new school of parenting, ladies and gentlemen.  It's logic.  Your children need to learn the meaning of the word "no."  Or get their asses kicked later in life.  Instead, I have to learn the hard way about what the effects of your shitty parenting are on my entertainment dollar.

Actually, I take it back.  Keep them on track.  I need a punching bag for later.  I'll be waiting.  And the next time your kid hits me with a grocery cart and says "excuse you," to me, I'm going to teach him the meaning of the word "no," whilst delivering a lesson in respect.

I Read It. Now I Have to Say Something.

To parents with baby name remorse:

You named the child. If you didn't like it, that's too bad, it's already the kids name. You fail.

You cannot change the child's name. Especially if you have other children. It only compounds the failure. We call that an epic fail.

How epic? Like trying to buy something with a coupon at Macy's. You cannot succeed from an Epic Fail. And your child will hate you when they've found out what you've done.

It's a New Year, It's Actually Just the Same Year with a Different Name.

I love the romanticism associated with the New Year. Everyone gets all whimsical and promises themselves to do things that they didn't do before, but those promises are usually ignored... or filled vaguely, with a technicality.

I've never understood why people have to resolve to do something at the end of year, instead of just doing it. Maybe it's just that everyone forgets to until Bally's Total Fitness reminds them that it is time again to promise that we will make ourselves better, or go greener... or stop going to brothels.

Er... not from personal experience. It's just an example.

Still, you have to think about what you would do better this year. I don't like that approach. I think it leads to a day, usually around St. Patrick's day, acutally, where you realize the epic failure that your resolution has led to. Interesting. It usually ends in heavy drinking.

Personally, I like metered amount of failure, in a daily dose. It makes a much more reasonable emotional downswing, when such failure occurs. And I can even enjoy success. It's nice not having disappointment linger beyond the day. I enjoy my daily resolution plan.

So... what's my resolution, you ask, for the new year?

Not to make any more New Year's Resolutions.

Fuck. I'll try again tomorrow.