The Fine Print

Today, thanks to the pursuit of a dollar, everything has guarantees and fine print attached to it.

Everything is Free* (*after mail-in rebate, which you will never see).

Or Risk Free* (* if not satisfied with the product, contact our customer service and they'll call you a liar, you'll pay $5 dollar processing fee and not get a return on shipping and handling).

Or Guaranteed!* (Under ridiculous terms we specify that cannot possibly be met or proven so we can provide a more marketable claim).

Example:
Jeremy is Guaranteed!* to pee in your overnight bag. (*You will have to clean it up)


Case and point:
I am in the market for a fire-proof (or as reasonably as possible) safe. Sentry makes a "Fire-Safe", which one would assume means, as it is heavy and unwieldy, means that it can withstand being left in your house during the event of... say... a fire. One expects that the outside of the safe would undoubtably be damaged, as it does have a keypad for electronic entry.

One does not expect, however, that the safe is only guaranteed for 1 hour of fire conditions.

What the fuck does that mean?

Does that mean from the moment my house starts on fire? Or from the moment the safe is engulfed in flames? Isn't the point of buying the fire-safe to keep your belongings (notably, paperwork indicating the ownership of the house) safe from a... ahem... fire? Since it is 100 pounds, does that mean I have to try to bring it with me while I'm half asleep and escaping from the inferno?

Should I go back for it?

Am I supposed to document the fire? How long it takes from the initial spark to my house being cinders on the ground? Does that mean I'm supposed to record this? What the fuck? I need to find my video camera now?

The point is, "fire-safe" is misleading. Safe with 1 hour of fire resistance is much more accurate, yet, less marketable. But the terms of the fire resistance are not outlined on the box.

If I find the asshole that puts that shit together, I'm going to give him a guaranteed* kick in the balls.

(*I'll do it)