Quantum Leap

Dr. House would say, "It is a universal truth of the human condition that everyone lies."

I say, "It is a universal truth to the human condition that anyone near a tape recorder has faked their own radio station. Especially after that Christian Slater movie."

I know I had one. I know people who had one regardless of what they would tell you... I've heard the proof.

I also know my wife had one. She still has all 8 volumes... I had the pleasure of listening to volume 1 and 2, well most of two. I'll give you a summary. Interesting side-story: I had to buy a tape player to listen, the only other tape player we have is in our old Jetta.

Tape one was more or less an introduction in to the psyche of my lovely wife and her best friend. Their show is a talk show, initially, though it grows in to so much more. At first, the callers (who are always from some "new" place, e.g. New Brighton, New York, or the fictional New Claire, even though the station is supposedly located in New York) call about their problems and as for advice. Tax advice... lifestyle advice... which is all delivered matter-of-factly.

Later, as my wife and her friend get bored with the formula, they start introducing contests for 3 day and 4 night or 3 night and 4 days, depending on when you catch them, at some resort... or a cruise. The catch? You'd have to call in and confess things like your most embarrassing moment, or things you'd gotten away with, and to this date, none were the wiser.

The funny part about this is celebrities would call in to the show and tell their darkest secrets for a shot at the cruise. Kathy Ireland (Remember her?) was a highlight. Some of the callers were from other parts of the country... or from other countries altogether, like Slavia, Sharon McKenzie, and E-beth-a-liz (her accent is terrific).

Later on, they started having celebrity guests and playing bits of music. I say bits of music... but what I really mean is snippets... like 20 seconds. The best part of this: when my wife (I say my wife, but it's really a little girl who grows up to be my wife) shuts off the song, but her best friend continues singing... because she was singing to the music.

Speaking of singing, the station's name is KWAT. The jingle goes "K-W-A-T, New York's radio station!"

A couple of highlights:
Guest Stars- My wife's sisters make cameo appearances. Steph, especially, is Dick Van Dyke. When asked to make a summary of her movie "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang", rather than give the short summary, gives a detailed summary going on upwards around 10 minutes. Halfway thru, my-then-future-wife tries to cut her off, only succeeding in provoking Steph in to shouting her story. At this point, my wife™ and her sisters start singing the "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" theme. It's ends up an absolute hodge podge. Her Arnold Schwarzenegger is fantastic, too.

Again with the voices- Some of the accent work is funny. Some of it is hilarious.

Judge Quanaleap- I wish I was making this up. Somewhere along the way, the formula changes a bit and they host a divorce court type of show, where two people argue about their supposed "love lives" and Judge Quanaleap shouts "silence" over everyone. All of it is a waste, of course, because Judge Leap doesn't even do any deciding, it goes to a jury, who's deliberations cover everything from "Pay 1 million dollars", to "stay away from him", to "figure it out for yourselves."

A bit of seriousness- A couple of times, they stop for a "60 second news break." In the earlier tapes, the updates were about the very serious "Oklahoma City Bombing," although at one point, the suspected bomber is named "Anomonous," because "We forgot his name."

And sisters being sisters, again- When you were younger, there was nothing you wanted to do more than be with your older siblings, and do what they were doing. At one point, Erin and Stephanie start complaining about wanting to be on the radio show, so Gina, says "You're the janitor, you can't be on the show. We've been to college for this." Then, Stephanie chimes in (at 8 years old), "Hey, you're only in seventh gr-" and the tape stops. Later, you get insight into their creative processes, and how they come up with the Quanaleap show, which changes from "Love Court" to "Love Jury", while they're shouting ideas over each other, you can hear poor Steph yelling "I wanna play (such and such character)."

All and all, I know you did it. Hell, I did it, too.

I promise some audio, once I do a capture.

A Fusion of the Blades

5 blades seems a bit much for the razor, doesn't it?

Especially a battery powered gimmick like the power fusion.

At my particularly disappointing trip to Sam's Club today, I did not find my brand of razors... the Quattro. Not that it's anything special, it really seems more like ripping your hair out of your face than shaving. It's just what I'm used to.

But there weren't any there. So I settled. And tried something new.

The Power side of the fusion is a gimmick. Those "micropulses" they keep talking about? It fucking vibrates. Don't buy in to it. But the 5 blades provide a reasonably comfortable shave. And it's closer than what I was used to.

I'd give it the full work out, but there is no way I'm putting this vibrating stick of death near my crotch. But you can take my review for what it is. I'm switching to this blade.

Call 911.

Time to Forget What Your Momma Told You

As much fun as I have discussing politics, there is one continuing issue that won't die.

Larry Craig.

I write this entry with the distant hopes that Larry Craig will search "Larry Craig is Gay" or "We don't believe you, Larry Craig" or "OMG are you fucking kidding me? Why doesn't Larry Craig resign, because nobody believes that he's not guilty". We all know that everyone one over 35 types in full sentences and questions in to search engines.

In the very unlikely event that Larry Craig does come upon this entry, I'll start off with this. It doesn't matter whether or not you're gay. Everyone in your party has decided for you. "I am not gay" is the new "I want to keep my republican job." There's nothing wrong with gay. Be proud, if you are.

And yet... let's disassemble your story. We'll even use the "Even if Larry Craig is telling the truth scenario."

So... you're in a Minneapolis airport, dropping your deuce. You assume a wide stance and accidentally knock boots with the undercover officer. You also manage to drop invisible toilet paper (that happens, I think I drop stuff all the time), and in your frantic search for said toilet paper, you accidentally make the "I wish to have gay sex with the person next door to me, regardless of the fact that I've never seen you before in my life" sign. It happens to the best of us. Ask Jeremy.

Then, you go to court. And rather than refute charges and say, "I am a man with a wide stance and I dropped some invisible toilet paper. I am not guilty," you thought it would be wiser to plead guilty, without any legal advice or even PR advice from your staff. Later, when the media outlets you were afraid of giving a juicy story to, pick up that this story and instead make it a nationwide deal, your plan was to undermine the justice system you were sworn to protect and retract your plea.

You promised to resign if your plea wasn't dismissed, and when it wasn't dismissed, instead held on to your position for dear life. You are also appealing. You party has given no support, a good portion of them calling you immoral and a liar, and yet, you're still there. You're a promise breaker and a liar. And you like to try to hide things, publicly.

The worst part about it is that I think less of you in this situation than if you were looking for anonymous gay sex in a Minneapolis public bathroom who pled guilty because you were guilty of what you were trying to do, although, in doing what you were trying to do, you hadn't even done anything illegal. Well... sodomy is technically illegal here, but let's face it, that's an outdated law. And you hadn't gotten to that part yet. Instead, you say your party has thrown you to the lions.

You couldn't just say, "I'm sorry, I lied. I am gay and I was looking for gay sex. I lied because I was embarrassed and I was afraid that no one would elect a gay republican. I lied and I wasted valuable taxpayer time and money. I lied and I took the nation's attention away from greater issues than whether or not I am gay. Issues like where our taxes are going and the situation in Iraq. I can only ask the people who had supported me in the past. It's obvious that I am not who you thought I was, but there is a need for change in me, and there is a need for change in America. And a need for acceptance. I pray that you'll forgive me for my weaknesses. For not believing that you were all more tolerant and responsible. For undermining your confidences. I do not intend to resign, and can only hope that the service I've provided you in the past, and the rest of the actions I take in the future can speak for the kind of America I believe in."

You can have that one, if you want. I won't charge.

Funny thing is. You're not going to be re-elected anyway. You know it. Your staff knows it. If they're telling you that you will, fire them, they're lying.

Hey. And have a nice day.

Thank you for your money

Why is it that people running chinese restaurants always seem so upset? Lee Ann Chin's doesn't count, it's not real chinese.

But if you run your own little operation, your little corner of suburbia where people are magically transported to a place where the food isn't anywhere close to authentic, but it's cheap, you should be pretty god damned happy that I'm there in the first place.

I don't want free fucking wontons, or cream puffs or whatever. I just want a fucking smile.

Don't look at me disgusted. There are 2 people standing in your chinese restaurant. You... and me.

And you don't have to take my money. If you don't like me. I could go to the equally disgusting Eddie Cheng. Or the fan-fucking-tastic 1st Wok. Make up your mind. Do you want my money or not?

You don't have to take it. You do own the restaurant, don't you?

I just don't know what I'm missing in the equation.

Is there a secret handshake?

The Secret Wonton Handshake?

A Legal Solution

I was listening to the radio today and they spoke of rapper T.I.'s arrest for federal gun charges. This sparked a debate with my friend as to whether or not they were only trying to make an example out of T.I. for other celebrities, because of his current status on the rap charts.

My conclusion? My friend is an idiot. And so are you, if you side with him. The reason he got caught might be due to his currently popularity. Carrying firearms to public events is a pretty surefire way to be caught. Religious convictions aside, you'd never catch MC Hammer carrying a firearm to an event. Why? He doesn't get invited.

But we can solve the problem to everyone's satisfaction.

Lindsay Lohan. Paris Hilton. Britney Spears. Nicole Richie. Michael Vick. L'il Wayne. T.I. DMX.

Q: What do all these people have in common?

A: They are all celebrities who are in trouble with or have been in trouble with the law. All celebrities who have been defended by fans who said it was either "Racism, Blatant Racism" or that they were a "scapegoat" or an "example to others".

To these people who are publicly defending these celebrities, I hope you understand that if you had done the same thing, you'd have gone to jail for a much longer period of time than they have/will.

To the celebrities on the list, I can only repeat the solid legal advice that was already provided by Jim Carrey, in the fantastic Liar Liar.

"Quit breaking the law, asshole."