Today, thanks to the pursuit of a dollar, everything has guarantees and fine print attached to it.
Everything is Free* (*after mail-in rebate, which you will never see).
Or Risk Free* (* if not satisfied with the product, contact our customer service and they'll call you a liar, you'll pay $5 dollar processing fee and not get a return on shipping and handling).
Or Guaranteed!* (Under ridiculous terms we specify that cannot possibly be met or proven so we can provide a more marketable claim).
Example:
Jeremy is Guaranteed!* to pee in your overnight bag. (*You will have to clean it up)
Case and point:
I am in the market for a fire-proof (or as reasonably as possible) safe. Sentry makes a "Fire-Safe", which one would assume means, as it is heavy and unwieldy, means that it can withstand being left in your house during the event of... say... a fire. One expects that the outside of the safe would undoubtably be damaged, as it does have a keypad for electronic entry.
One does not expect, however, that the safe is only guaranteed for 1 hour of fire conditions.
What the fuck does that mean?
Does that mean from the moment my house starts on fire? Or from the moment the safe is engulfed in flames? Isn't the point of buying the fire-safe to keep your belongings (notably, paperwork indicating the ownership of the house) safe from a... ahem... fire? Since it is 100 pounds, does that mean I have to try to bring it with me while I'm half asleep and escaping from the inferno?
Should I go back for it?
Am I supposed to document the fire? How long it takes from the initial spark to my house being cinders on the ground? Does that mean I'm supposed to record this? What the fuck? I need to find my video camera now?
The point is, "fire-safe" is misleading. Safe with 1 hour of fire resistance is much more accurate, yet, less marketable. But the terms of the fire resistance are not outlined on the box.
If I find the asshole that puts that shit together, I'm going to give him a guaranteed* kick in the balls.
(*I'll do it)
09 November 2007
06 November 2007
Reversed Consumerism
One of the interesting ideals behind our society is that everyone will get paid incredible amounts of money for everything they do, and never have to pay for what they want later.
I think of the music industry as a wild representation of this ideal. And the reality of it, as well.
Music is saturated with idiots who produce a generic product in the pursuit of your dollar, and because the industry that supports this model believes that the only way to maintain profitability is to find a bunch of acts that all look and sound like each other, or in Nickleback's case, like themselves, we're stuck with this as a mainstream product.
Several attempts have been made at producing a more marketable way of taking independent artists and bringing them to the public, but nothing works without some sort of airplay or exposure.
That, and everyone wants good, free music.
The problem with the statement above is interesting. The thing is, I like paying for music. I like knowing that an artist who produces quality material is getting paid because I enjoyed his product and I purchased it. The problem is that good albums are really few and far between. Thank Steve Jobs for iTunes. Not that everyone uses it.
But the idea is just the same.
Today, hip hop is infused with the idea that money can be made quickly if you follow the instructions.
First, you write and record and album. Then, you ditch 3 tracks off that album and you replace them with 3 standard tracks: The Guest Producer song (where Timbaland or Just Blaze create a great sounding and original beat with a hook that disguises your substandard rap ability), the Slow Jam (optional, but the ladies love a slow jam), and finally, the collaboration track. You start the track, but everyone in the middle make the song (right now, it'd be Akon, Kanye, T-Pain, Ne-Yo, Jay-Z, Chris Brown and/or Trey Songs).
This guarantees the album will sell 200,000 copies, even if you spend the last 45 minutes of the album humming.
And since hip hop is the antithesis of rock, the formula there is significantly different. You write an album, everything must sound the same, and be catchy. Then you release your first album and the single in the same 8 weeks, then you release another single at the end of 3 months from the release of your single. Then that's it. Wait for your sales, or not. It's much more hit and miss, which is why you get so many more hip hop artists on the top 40 than rock.
And yet, knowing all this, I paid 5 dollars for an album without listening to it. Without a middle man. No brick and mortar store. No ad campaign. Just hype. I heard it from someone. And Trent Reznor was involved.
If you haven't purchased the album, you can download it for free, but I think you'll agree that it's worth the $5, at least to support the idea that suing your customers isn't the best way to make money.
The Inevitable Rise and Liberation of Niggy Tardust
Nothing says trust me like a free trial.
I think of the music industry as a wild representation of this ideal. And the reality of it, as well.
Music is saturated with idiots who produce a generic product in the pursuit of your dollar, and because the industry that supports this model believes that the only way to maintain profitability is to find a bunch of acts that all look and sound like each other, or in Nickleback's case, like themselves, we're stuck with this as a mainstream product.
Several attempts have been made at producing a more marketable way of taking independent artists and bringing them to the public, but nothing works without some sort of airplay or exposure.
That, and everyone wants good, free music.
The problem with the statement above is interesting. The thing is, I like paying for music. I like knowing that an artist who produces quality material is getting paid because I enjoyed his product and I purchased it. The problem is that good albums are really few and far between. Thank Steve Jobs for iTunes. Not that everyone uses it.
But the idea is just the same.
Today, hip hop is infused with the idea that money can be made quickly if you follow the instructions.
First, you write and record and album. Then, you ditch 3 tracks off that album and you replace them with 3 standard tracks: The Guest Producer song (where Timbaland or Just Blaze create a great sounding and original beat with a hook that disguises your substandard rap ability), the Slow Jam (optional, but the ladies love a slow jam), and finally, the collaboration track. You start the track, but everyone in the middle make the song (right now, it'd be Akon, Kanye, T-Pain, Ne-Yo, Jay-Z, Chris Brown and/or Trey Songs).
This guarantees the album will sell 200,000 copies, even if you spend the last 45 minutes of the album humming.
And since hip hop is the antithesis of rock, the formula there is significantly different. You write an album, everything must sound the same, and be catchy. Then you release your first album and the single in the same 8 weeks, then you release another single at the end of 3 months from the release of your single. Then that's it. Wait for your sales, or not. It's much more hit and miss, which is why you get so many more hip hop artists on the top 40 than rock.
And yet, knowing all this, I paid 5 dollars for an album without listening to it. Without a middle man. No brick and mortar store. No ad campaign. Just hype. I heard it from someone. And Trent Reznor was involved.
If you haven't purchased the album, you can download it for free, but I think you'll agree that it's worth the $5, at least to support the idea that suing your customers isn't the best way to make money.
The Inevitable Rise and Liberation of Niggy Tardust
Nothing says trust me like a free trial.
Pride of our Children; an open letter
Dear Sir or Madam,
As your son makes his honorable journey throughout the trenches, it is most important that he can depend on your for support.
Day after day, only the love and confidence you provide will enable him to do the duty he so nobly accepted. The times spent thinking and believing that there is a home, and a free world, enables him compassion. Acceptance will provide your son humanity.
Those of us who have served previously under these conditions knows there is no secret to managing the day to day events, only faith and courage.
In to the tremendous cloud of perfume from a member of the marketing department, we together will march in, and with your support, out as men. And as brothers.
Captain Ronald C. Gunz
Commanding
As your son makes his honorable journey throughout the trenches, it is most important that he can depend on your for support.
Day after day, only the love and confidence you provide will enable him to do the duty he so nobly accepted. The times spent thinking and believing that there is a home, and a free world, enables him compassion. Acceptance will provide your son humanity.
Those of us who have served previously under these conditions knows there is no secret to managing the day to day events, only faith and courage.
In to the tremendous cloud of perfume from a member of the marketing department, we together will march in, and with your support, out as men. And as brothers.
Captain Ronald C. Gunz
Commanding
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