If you're feeling romantic

You should listen to Cracked's catalogue of Valentine's Day songs.

Happy Fake Holiday!

The restaurant, chocolate, jewelry, floral and greeting card industries say "hi" and that they're "sorry about the ulcers from all this production, but would you really rather try to display your affections more than a paltry 4 days a year?"

Dear Association

It has gotten to the point where you need to start giving me reasons to pay.  I signed up to have my life dictated by you people to tell me when I can and can't water my grass, or where I can park because the benefits outweighed the penalties.  It has gotten to the point where you refuse to do anything about the light outside and you refuse to clear snow from my drive way.

I will start a revolution.  Believe me, I'm that kind of pain in the ass.

Things That Sound Bad As a Verb

Dimitri Martin said, "Fingerpuppet."

I say, "Caucus."

I hope you are, where ever and whenever yours is.  Just the same.  It sounds like an Afterglide joke.

More at 11

Senate passes bill making running illegal-

Controversy found itself turning on its heels for capitol hill pundits last week, when lawmakers passed a law that makes running illegal.  The bill, which contained no earmarks (a rarity for it's type), explains that running should be illegal based on the varied effects it has on people.

Senator Headup Hisass explains, "It's unbelievable what this 'running' activity has done to people.  I can't believe people still do it.  I've heard of people having heart attacks while running... people tearing entire joints out.  And they keep doing it, pursuing that damned runners high."

Runner's high is at the center of the debate that this bill has created.  Should runner's high be illegal?  

More than one doctor says so, including Doctor Paid Toomuch who said, "Runner's high is a danger.  Lack of oxygen, elevated heart rate, combined with endorphines and dehydration create varied effects on subjects.  While some test subjects explained a feeling of contemplation and/or extreme concentration, other subjects described a feeling of exhilaration.  The conditions necessary to activate these properties are dangerous and people should not be left alone to make these choices.  If you take away the cause, I'm sure you'll find the cure."

The President is expected to sign the bill in to law this week, when asked for his opinion, said only this, "The welfare of American People is always at the... uh... forefront... of our... uh...  ideals.  I may not know anything about this 'runner's high', but if the effects are similar to marijuana or ecstasy, then I support... uh... the resolution as part of the war on terror.  Excuse me, I mean the steps necessary to protect Americans... from themselves.  Sorry, I wasn't suppose to say that last part."

Without further comment, lobbyists from Nike, Reebok and New Balance were left to find presidential advisors, to at least delay the signing.

A Nike spokesman took a moment to speak with us.

"While it is true that without running, people will not wear shoes out as quickly, we're not just lobbying for lost shoe sales.  The fact is, we will make it back up when everyone is too heavy and they start to break the shoes' support structure.  But we're also concerned about the freedoms of the American People.  You should have the right to choose the run.  You should have the right to be fit.  The government should have no control over that.  The president doesn't understand that.  I hear he wears crocs."

We asked Doctor Toomuch to explain the strategy behind dealing with the expect weight gain in the United States, but he did not offer much explanation, after being chided, he stopped to offer, "We'll invent a pill or something."

The Results Are In!

And they liked it.  My mother was even very cordial.  I don't know what to say.

In preparation for a feast

I enjoy cooking.  I think I've said it before.  There is a zen art to cooking that is lost when you start microwaving foods.  Or you start watching Rachel Ray.  

Nothing personal, Rachel, but I'm not a fan of your dumbed down recipes.

I like the rushed feeling I get when I'm supposed to be doing 10 things at once, and then I figure out exactly how I should be doing that.  Without burning something.

Cooking is very fluid... it's almost like a battle.  Sun Tzu once said, "Those who do not employ this knowledge, challenge with certainty of defeat."

I'm not sure what this means or how this applies to cooking, but I thought it would seem more relevant to include a quote from a prolific strategic writer.

The point is that my parents are coming to dinner tomorrow night.  My wife and I do a lot of hosting.  She likes playing hostess at these events, and I like people enjoying my work at these events, but never is there a time when I draw more criticism than when my parents come over.

My father is usually very graceful in his complements, but will usually attack the desserts as a source for my corpulence, not that I'm terribly obese, though I am overweight by any measure.  

The interesting fact is that he has no complaints about my stuffing my face with food during dinners in the past, and that this and my general inactivity are the cause for my bloating.  Desserts had less to do with this, simply because I don't enjoy desserts to the extent that others do.

My mother... well... the thing about her is...  if tact were measured in degrees, we'd have to use the Kelvin scale to ensure a proper gauge of her lack of tact.  It would be 2 degrees Kelvin.

She is a fantastic cook, most of the time, and her ability to explore tastes, or to taste and then define food is extraordinary, but she (like myself) has the tendency to focus on only negatives.

Example:  My wife and I purchased a townhouse this last April.  I was 23.  My parents' first home, was an identical home, not a block away.  I wanted this house because it was already home when I walked in.  When they purchased that identical home, my father was around 44, my mother, slightly less than that.  

Normally, when your child does something responsible, or as an improvement on what you've accomplished, you compliment them on the decisions, as my father did.  He said, "I thought you'd spend a few years bouncing from apartment to apartment, but this what a good decision, and I'm proud of you."

Now, I didn't have it as rough as they did.  I did not immigrate to this country.  I did not start with nothing here.  And they gave me a lot of the tools that I have today to accomplish what I have.

"It's very small."

Keep in mind that we lived in an identical townhouse, 4 of us, and sometimes 5 (my uncle and cousin both exercised long term stays during our tenure).  I actually have more usable square feet, due to a lack of 3rd bedroom.  But that's her way of saying "It's a nice place, it's going to be very nice when you finish it.  I can't wait until you have children and you have to buy a bigger house.  When are you having children?"

She means well, and I still love her for it, but it's a bit embarrassing when your wife is standing there and doesn't have the language translation manual on Gunz' Mom.

So tomorrow night, there it is.  Cocktail weenies, challah bread and Mario Batalli's baked ziti recipe (with nutmeg!).  To top it all off, some flan. 

I'm hoping to have the same success as with the coach purse.