Time to Forget What Your Momma Told You

As much fun as I have discussing politics, there is one continuing issue that won't die.

Larry Craig.

I write this entry with the distant hopes that Larry Craig will search "Larry Craig is Gay" or "We don't believe you, Larry Craig" or "OMG are you fucking kidding me? Why doesn't Larry Craig resign, because nobody believes that he's not guilty". We all know that everyone one over 35 types in full sentences and questions in to search engines.

In the very unlikely event that Larry Craig does come upon this entry, I'll start off with this. It doesn't matter whether or not you're gay. Everyone in your party has decided for you. "I am not gay" is the new "I want to keep my republican job." There's nothing wrong with gay. Be proud, if you are.

And yet... let's disassemble your story. We'll even use the "Even if Larry Craig is telling the truth scenario."

So... you're in a Minneapolis airport, dropping your deuce. You assume a wide stance and accidentally knock boots with the undercover officer. You also manage to drop invisible toilet paper (that happens, I think I drop stuff all the time), and in your frantic search for said toilet paper, you accidentally make the "I wish to have gay sex with the person next door to me, regardless of the fact that I've never seen you before in my life" sign. It happens to the best of us. Ask Jeremy.

Then, you go to court. And rather than refute charges and say, "I am a man with a wide stance and I dropped some invisible toilet paper. I am not guilty," you thought it would be wiser to plead guilty, without any legal advice or even PR advice from your staff. Later, when the media outlets you were afraid of giving a juicy story to, pick up that this story and instead make it a nationwide deal, your plan was to undermine the justice system you were sworn to protect and retract your plea.

You promised to resign if your plea wasn't dismissed, and when it wasn't dismissed, instead held on to your position for dear life. You are also appealing. You party has given no support, a good portion of them calling you immoral and a liar, and yet, you're still there. You're a promise breaker and a liar. And you like to try to hide things, publicly.

The worst part about it is that I think less of you in this situation than if you were looking for anonymous gay sex in a Minneapolis public bathroom who pled guilty because you were guilty of what you were trying to do, although, in doing what you were trying to do, you hadn't even done anything illegal. Well... sodomy is technically illegal here, but let's face it, that's an outdated law. And you hadn't gotten to that part yet. Instead, you say your party has thrown you to the lions.

You couldn't just say, "I'm sorry, I lied. I am gay and I was looking for gay sex. I lied because I was embarrassed and I was afraid that no one would elect a gay republican. I lied and I wasted valuable taxpayer time and money. I lied and I took the nation's attention away from greater issues than whether or not I am gay. Issues like where our taxes are going and the situation in Iraq. I can only ask the people who had supported me in the past. It's obvious that I am not who you thought I was, but there is a need for change in me, and there is a need for change in America. And a need for acceptance. I pray that you'll forgive me for my weaknesses. For not believing that you were all more tolerant and responsible. For undermining your confidences. I do not intend to resign, and can only hope that the service I've provided you in the past, and the rest of the actions I take in the future can speak for the kind of America I believe in."

You can have that one, if you want. I won't charge.

Funny thing is. You're not going to be re-elected anyway. You know it. Your staff knows it. If they're telling you that you will, fire them, they're lying.

Hey. And have a nice day.